Winter 2007/2008 - Lotus Connections

Living Between the Cultures, by Lea Xu

A Bit of Background:

Being born and raised in Guilin, my family was mostly traditional in respect to Chinese culture; however, our family experienced Western influences as well. As a girl, I looked up to my father who was employed by the China Petrol-Chemical Corporation's Guilin Branch, which was one of the "Fortune Global 500". When it came to parenting styles and my upbringing, my parents did not always agree. My father favored a more Westernized approach and supported my involvement in recreational activities such as ballet and gymnastics; while my mother was opposed for fear they would compromise my ability to focus on my studies.

Education was highly valued in my family, and I remember the stress I felt when studying for the national college entrance exam. Less than 10% of high school students pass that particular test and the Chinese describe the test by saying: "A thousand soldiers and ten thousand horses across a single log bridge." I went on to receive a degree in English Literature and Tourism from Xian International Studies University. I spent several years as a professional travel agent and guide before joining my husband Louie Yi in America. In 1995, he had started Lotus Travel, a travel agency that specializes in adoption travel to China, Vietnam and Southeast Asia.

I often feel as though I move and "live between the cultures" as an Asian woman who is also an American business owner. I can move comfortably between the two worlds and while they are not always opposed to each other, there are times the two cultures do collide. Here are some of my thoughts and observations about each culture and how it relates to children and child-rearing. I feel that I am able to relate to adoptive families in this respect as we are both living a trans-racial experience.

Educational Experiences:

Growing up as a child in China, teachers are seen as esteemed providers of knowledge. For example, as a young child, my classmates and I entered the classroom, took a seat and sat quietly awaiting the arrival of the teacher. When he or she entered the room, the students would stand up and say "Good Morning Teacher" and then sit down. This is all a manner of showing respect to the position of teacher. The teacher stood behind the desk, usually at the blackboard, while he or she teaches the content of the textbook for the entire class period. The classroom remains silent during the lesson, and questions are rarely permitted. Occasionally, a teacher may ask a student a question; however, this is not a regular event.

My first educational experience in America was quite a shock. My first class was a psychology class at Tacoma Community College. As I was seated, awaiting my first lesson, the relaxed professor walked into the room, sat on the edge of the desk, and began a casual discussion. The students participated eagerly and debated with both their fellow classmates and the teacher. I grew accustomed to the distinct difference in teaching techniques; however, coming from such a strict educational background, my initial reaction was stunned.

I believe the outcome of the two distinct approaches to education is that Chinese children are usually more reticent when speaking in public settings. This lack of practice and experience makes public speaking harder for Asian children and, later as grown adults. The typical American student is more confident in public speaking and has had a lot more practice and expectation to speak in a class or public setting.

Interactions with Adults:

In China, when a young person or child speaks to an older person it is always spoken with a term of respect. The general address is "aiy" which is similar to "auntie" and "shu shu" which is similar to "uncle". This is used solely as an indicator of respect and not of biological relationship. I have found that in America, children often speak to their elders by the first name. In some regions of the U.S., it is the norm to say Mr. or Mrs. Smith; however, it is generally common for a child to address an adult by their first name (i.e. Charlotte, Diane, Judith, etc.) This informality would never occur in China, as it is considered rude and discourteous.

My own children are mostly "Americanized" in this respect and are not as formal as the traditional Chinese children. They will refer to their friends' parents directly, on a first name basis. When we visit, they adjust their manners to reflect that of the children in China. They understand they live in two cultures as well.

Manners:

As a child, I was not taught to say "thank you" as American children are. In America, "thank you" is often a routine formality extended to strangers, such as a clerk in a store, without a real connection or relationship. In China, an expression of "thank you" is reserved for sincere expressions of gratitude, such as when someone extends themselves out of their way to assist you. It is generally reserved for someone with whom you have established an obligation and a truly appreciative relationship.

For a Chinese child, they learn early on that it is not gracious or modest to accept a gift at first offering. It is customary to decline when something is offered. When offered a third time, it is then acceptable for an Asian parent to allow a child to accept the gift or token that is offered. If a child accepts at the first offering, it would seem greedy, disrespectful and ungrateful. Even the Mandarin words equivalent to "You're welcome" actually translate along the lines of "You shouldn't have".

Perspective on Childhood Events:

My family recently attended a birthday party of one of my children's friends. This was a cooking class that included making pizza and cupcakes. At a time when it was a good opportunity for photos, all the Asian parents stood up and took a picture, as to not miss this milestone event. These events are taken seriously by all parents, but it seems Asian parents have a stronger focus on capturing it all. American parents seem to be more oriented to just enjoy the moment, whether they capture it with a photo or not.

When celebrating an occasion for the child, such as a birthday, the number of attendant is carefully calculated by the host in order for the right amount of food, goody-bags and activities. Additional siblings or visitors at the last moment may create problems as there may not be enough items for the planned party theme. In China, birthday parties for children are not usually elaborate events. When there is a celebration for an event, it is expected to bring the entire family, including extended members of the family (i.e. grandparents).

Educational Achievement:

From the moment the child is born, the parents and grandparents place educational expectations with a child. Education is seen as the most esteemed profession in China and Asian parents are very focused on academics.

At a preschool level, American parents may consider or see that children learn from their play, lie on the floor, and learn through experience. In China parents will talk about the importance of learning and the esteemed role of teaching. Teaching even for preschool will be quite structured and emphasizes on learning a specific amount of knowledge instead of learning from play.

In China, children learn from a young age how important testing results are for their future. A primary or elementary school test determines a child's placement for middle school; competition is keen for getting into a "key" middle school. A middle school test determines which high school they will be eligible to attend. The high school grades and testing results determine the not only the options for college, but also their options for a profession as an adult. Educational achievement is structured around testing results. Children know that their parents see academic excellence and respecting elders as the two primary mandates for children. Parents expect their children to work hard and excel in school, and if living in America to attend an Ivy League school, such as Harvard, Stanford or Yale. An interesting statistic I've recently seen is that while Asian Americans make up only 4% of the U.S. population, these students make up 24% of the population at Stanford, 18% at Harvard and 25% at both Columbia and Cornell (Abboud and Kim). Asian parents focus the children on excelling academically and it has an impact. I subscribe to an e-newsletter from Great Schools (Great Schools--The Parent's Guide to K-12 Success) and it discusses the specific aspects about Asian parenting that achieves such outcomes.

Discipline:

Traditional Chinese parents will take a very strict view of their children's behaviors. They will place a lot of restrictions and expectations on their children. For example, while at a portrait studio Asian parents will tell their children to sit up straight and smile. They will be focused on how their child is behaving in a public setting; American parents seem to be more focused on capturing the expressions that occur.

While at a play date, American parents will think nothing of children sitting or laying on the floor, but Asian parents will consider it bad manners and think the floor is too dirty for kids' play. It is not likely you will see an Asian child lay down on the floor as they play. They simply have been taught not to do that.

Childcare:

Often times, Asian parents living in the US, will bring the grandparents over to the US in order to help care for the children. It is very common for grandparents to take a very active role in raising their grandchildren, whether in the US or in China. Recent statistics show that in China currently roughly 65 % of China's 50 million urban families reportedly rely on grandparents to rear young children (China Today).

Asian parents and grandparents will be very concerned for a young child to get too cold or to get enough food to eat. An Asian mom will usually ensure the child has several layers and jackets. The American parent's thinking is that if the child is cold, they will come to you and get a sweater or coat. It is a more independent style of parenting. The Asian parent thinks it is her job to watch that, and the child is not yet able to make those choices. Both perspectives are valid and come from a loving framework, but they are consistently different.

Sleeping Habits:

In China households the room arrangement doesn't often lend itself to separate rooms for children. So, often young children sleep in the same room with the parents. As a child growing up myself, we had 1 bedroom, so my parents, brother and I shared the same room. Later on, we had a 2 bedroom apartment, so one of us slept in the living room while the other one had the bedroom and my parent had their own room.

For bedtime routine in America, story time is very common. In Asia, there is not usually story time at bedtime and they usually just go to sleep at the same time as the parents. As a result, bedtime is usually later for Asian children. Typically in China or in Asian households in America, bedtime may be 9 or 10 pm. In some families, it can even be as late as 11pm. Most American kids are in bed around 8 or 9 pm, depending on their age of course.

Eating Habits:

Asian parents feel it is their duty as a parent to ensure the children eat enough; however, American parents feel it is their responsibility to make sure their child has enough food available to eat. In China, a mom or grandma may still be spoon feeding a child until the ages of 5 or 6. For most American families, this generally stops between ages 1 and 2. In China the parent worries the child doesn't get enough to eat in order to grow up healthy. They see it as their important responsibility to make sure that the child eats enough. As a result of this approach it seems that many Asian children remain dependent on the significant adults in their life for a longer time than the typical American child.

Since Asian parents raise their children in a more dependent manner, children are often not as ready to separate when they may start preschool. I have noticed that many are shy and want to stay with parents or grandparents when dropped off at preschool. Many Asian kids have difficulty with separating from the significant adult in their life. This is likely because the adult has continued to do more things for the child at an older age than their American counterpart.

Overall Comments and Observations:

I think the overall biggest difference between the cultures and raising children is that American parents are more relaxed or casual in their approach to child-rearing. This does not mean they do not care or love their children as much; they just tend to be more casual about the whole endeavor. Each culture has much to offer our children and I feel immeasurably enriched to know and live in each. They leave an indelible mark on me, as well as how I raise my children.

Works Cited

China Today November 2007.

Abboud, Soo Kim and Jane Y. Kim. Top of the Class: How Asian Parents Raise High Achievers--and How You Can Too. New York: The Penguine Group, 2006.

Great Schools--The Parent's Guide to K-12 Success. .